


Silent Running

by jujitsuelf



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Pre-Relationship, post-chopper crash in Bolivia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 19:56:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jujitsuelf/pseuds/jujitsuelf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cougar didn’t say that much to begin with, so for a while after the chopper crash, nobody really noticed that he was practically silent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silent Running

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer – All publicly recognizable characters, settings etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended
> 
> ****
> 
> thanks to saral_hylor for the brilliant enthusiasm when I kept emailing her bits of this story. Also thanks to peaceful_sands and fanficfan83 for the read-throughs.

They all had their coping mechanisms. Jensen talked, Pooch sought out beat-up cars to fix and nurse back to health, Roque and Clay drank and fought. Cougar was the difficult one. He didn’t say that much to begin with, so for a while after the chopper crash, nobody really noticed that he was practically silent.

Of course, they could be forgiven for not taking that much notice of him, they were all busy trying to absorb the mind-numbing guilt of still being alive. Cougar didn’t resent it. He knew they’d realize just how bad a state he was in eventually. The question was, would he care whether he could recover by the time they did?

Most days it was easier to just sit back and let the guilt wash over him. Twenty five lives snuffed out in an instant. It should have been them, five grown men instead of twenty five innocents who hadn’t even begun to live. He should talk to someone, say something, Cougar knew it. The army had taught him that holding strong emotions in made him unstable, volatile, a threat to himself and his team. The last thing anyone needed right now was a loose cannon.

But he looked at the four other men and couldn’t bring himself to speak the words he so desperately needed to get out of his system. They were all suffering the same way he was. They didn’t need to bear his guilt as well as their own. He was stoic, he’d been told that often enough. Well, stoic and silent would have to do until he found a better way of coping.

It was something of a shock that Jensen was the first one to stop and really take notice of him. Not that Cougar thought Jensen was incapable of being sensitive to other people’s feelings, far from it. Ever since he’d joined the team, Cougar had been sure there was a lot more to Jake Jensen than the mask he allowed the outside world to see.

Sometimes, when he was feeling reckless or maybe a little masochistic, Cougar let himself wonder what Jensen tasted like, whether he’d mind if Cougar stole a kiss now and then. On really bad nights, when he’d needed some kind of touch from someone or else he’d go out of his mind, Cougar had made do with his own hand and fantasies of Jensen.

But the younger man was so busy talking and smiling that bright, sunny, patently false smile, Cougar figured he’d be the last one to realize that one of his team wasn’t saying a word from sun-up to sundown.

He looked up as Jensen walked into his shabby hotel room and closed the door behind him. When Jensen wedged a chair under the handle, Cougar frowned. What the hell?

“Okay,” Jensen said, crossing his arms over his chest and fixing him with that unnerving blue gaze of his. “Talk.”

Cougar settled for raising an eyebrow. Yes, he was being stubborn and probably acting against his own best interests but the mulish side of him didn’t feel like breaking down just because Jensen asked him to.

“Do not do that eyebrow shit with me.” Jensen’s voice was harder than Cougar had ever heard before. “You haven’t said a word to any of us in a week. I know you’re the strong, silent, badass macho type but even so, that ain’t healthy.”

Cougar shrugged, a little stung by Jensen’s rebuke. He hadn’t really been told off by anyone since he was at school. Yelled at by drill sergeants, yes, but that was different.

Jensen sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. It was dark with sweat and looked in dire need of shampoo.

“C’mon, Cougs.” His voice was lower, more weary now. “Don’t do this. I know you’re hurting. We all are. But sealing yourself off isn’t gonna help anyone, is it? Least of all you.”

Cougar couldn’t quite meet Jensen’s eyes anymore. He looked down at the grimy carpet, then turned away and made blindly for the bathroom. He wasn’t running away, it was a strategic withdrawal.

Even with the door shut, Cougar didn’t feel entirely safe. Jensen wouldn’t go away until he’d done what he came to do. One of the things Cougar had first noticed about Jake, apart from his quite spectacular body, was his bloody-minded tenacity when faced with a problem.

“Cougar?” To give him credit, Jensen didn’t try the handle of the bathroom door. “Cougs, you can’t hide in there forever.”

_I know_ , Cougar ruefully looked around at the none too clean walls. Damn. Caught like a rat in a trap.

“I’ll just wait till you’re done having your girly, hiding-in-the-bathroom-in-order-to-avoid-a-conversation-you’d-really-rather-not-have, moment.”

The gentle mocking in Jensen’s voice was almost enough to make Cougar yell something uncomplimentary through the flimsy door. Almost. The words got hopelessly tangled on the way to his mouth and died before he’d even taken a breath.

There was silence for a few minutes. Cougar heard rustling in the bedroom and wondered whether Jensen was passing the time by going through his bag. If he did, all he’d find was dirty laundry. Even Cougar’s prized chocolate stash was gone, he’d eaten the whole thing in one go the day after the crash.

“Cougar?” Jensen didn’t sound annoyed, just mildly interested. “You coming out any time soon? I’m bored and there’s no booze in this room. I’m shocked, I figured you’d have something somewhere. Have you gone tee-total on us?”

Cougar was a hair’s breadth from telling him about the rum under the bed but decided against it. That bottle was for emergencies only.

“Cougar?” Jensen’s voice was suddenly a lot louder, he must be right outside the door. “You know if you don’t come out, I’ll come in, don’t you?”

Tightening his hands on the cracked sink, Cougar ground out. “Fuck off.”

“It speaks! Praise be to everything holy which I don’t believe in,” Jensen cried. “And no, I will not fuck off. There will be no fucking off going on until you do some proper talking, amigo.”

_Go away, go away, go away,_ the low voice in Cougar’s head chanted it like a mantra.

“I’m not going away, Cougar.” Jensen sounded serious, which was a first.

_Crap_. Cougar winced, had he been saying that out loud?

“I mean it, Cougs. I’m not going anywhere so you may as well come out and get the inevitable conversation over with.”

Cougar looked at himself in the mirror. The man who looked back was thinner than he should be, hollow-eyed and pale beneath his tan. His normally neat beard and mustache were a mess and stubble covered his cheeks and throat. Shit, what a mess.

Before he had time to re-think his actions, Cougar unlocked the door and pulled it open. Jensen was sitting on the bed, his expression more grown-up than Cougar had ever seen it.

“Hi.” Jensen smiled faintly. “Glad you could join me.”

Cougar nodded, then panicked about where he should go. Should he sit next to Jensen? Lean against the bathroom doorframe? Sit cross-legged on the floor and pour out his heart?

“Cougs,” Jensen spoke softly, as though to a spooked animal. Cougar almost found the analogy amusing. “You okay?”

This time Cougar did smile. Of all the questions to ask, naturally, Jensen picked the simplest and yet the most difficult to answer.

“No,” Jensen saved him the trouble of having to speak. “Of course you’re not okay. None of us are. I’m not okay. Shit, I’m so far from okay, I can’t even remember what it feels like.”

Cougar blew out a long breath. Damn, he knew exactly what Jensen meant.

“Cougar, talk to me.” Jensen stared straight into Cougar’s eyes. “Come on, dude, it’s only me. I won’t say anything to anyone else. I can be your therapist, how’s that?”

_Yes, God, yes, I’d love to_ , Cougar opened his mouth but once again nothing came out.

Jensen’s eyes narrowed. “Dude. Say something. Just...fuck it, Cougar. _Say something!_ ” His voice rose to a yell.

_“What do you want me to say?!”_ Cougar found himself shouting back.

“I don’t know!” Jensen thumped a fist into the mattress. “Shit, Cougs, just say this isn’t the end of the fucking world. Say we’re not gonna die here. Say Clay’s not gonna drag us around the fucking world looking for revenge. Just say something, dude, please. You’re killing me here.”

Cougar rubbed his eyes. He was tired, too tired to think let alone speak.

“Can’t,” he managed to croak.

“Can’t what?” Jensen snapped, his mouth a too-thin white line. “Can’t find the balls to say what you need to? Can’t be brave enough to admit you’re as fucked up as the rest of us about all this? Or just can’t be bothered?”

Cougar didn’t know when he made the decision to seize Jensen’s shirt and drag him to his feet but suddenly he was slamming the younger man into the wall beside the bed.  
  
“Not as easy...” he panted, twisting his hands into Jensen’s bizarre Hawaiian patterned shirt. “You talk...all the fucking time...don’t say anything, though, do you? Think it’s easy...it ain’t easy to talk. Hate this, hate all of it, hate Max, hate fucking Clay. Hate _everything_. Was all our fault...kids should be alive. We should be dead. Shouldn’t be here...”

He shook Jensen as he spoke. Jensen’s shoulders smacked into the wall but he didn’t even wince.

“I know, Cougar,” he replied softly. “I hate it all, too. I just want to go home.”

In that instant, Cougar realized just how much of an asshole he’d been. While he was busy making himself suffer in his own silence, he’d been making his team suffer too. They were supposed to support one another, weren’t they? And he’d been too caught up in his own misery to notice the desperation behind Jensen’s smiles.

“Miss your sister?”

Jensen nodded. “I’d give anything to tell her we’re okay.”

Cougar nodded. The knot in his chest was maybe a fraction looser than a moment before. Still tight enough to stop the breath in his throat though.

“You okay, now?” Jensen had a rueful smile on his face. “Or are you going to keep ruining my shirt for a while longer?”

“Sorry.” Cougar untwisted his hands from the fabric and unsuccessfully tried to smooth out the wrinkles. He absolutely did not let himself appreciate the feel of Jensen’s hard chest beneath his fingers.

“Hey.” Jensen’s hand suddenly clasped the back of Cougar’s neck. “You didn’t answer the first question. Are you a bit better now?”

Cougar desperately wanted to look away but Jensen held him in place. Those blue eyes bored into his, seeking out every last lie and dashing them to pieces.

“Maybe,” Cougar said hoarsely.

“Good enough for now.” Jensen released him and let his own head thud back against the wall. “Shit, we’re in trouble, aren’t we?” He shot Cougar another wry grin. “But it’s good to have you back. I was getting a little crazy on my own. Pooch tried to listen but he’s so busy worrying about Jolene and the baby...you can’t blame him for not wanting to take my crap as well. And Roque and Clay, well, I don’t even know where they go most of the time.”

“Sorry,” Cougar said again. What he meant to say was, _‘I’m sorry for not being there to listen to you say stuff which actually means something. Sorry I abandoned you and came here to wallow. Sorry I never kissed you and made you forget what you’re worrying about.’_ But all he managed was that one word.

“It’s okay, dude.” Jensen pushed himself away from the wall. “We’re all big boys, aren’t we? I guess trying to cope with the bad shit and not bother other people while they’re coping too, comes with the territory. But, see, the way I cope is to talk at people. And I don’t have anyone to talk at right now.”

Cougar’s eyebrows rose as Jensen’s hands fisted his shirt this time.

“You’re all I’ve got, Cougs.” The pleading note of desperation was almost heartbreaking in its intensity. “Don’t go all silent running on me again, okay? Talk to me, bro, or at least listen to me. Please.”

_‘How do you do that?’_ Cougar almost asked the question out loud. _‘How do you manage to bare every piece of your soul and then collect it all back together again?’_ But instead he said roughly, “I’ll listen.”

“Thanks,” Jensen’s smile was more like one of his genuine ones this time. “Jesus, we’re a real pair of broken-down idiots, aren’t we?” He smoothed Cougar’s shirt flat. “But we’re gonna be okay, right? We’ll find some way out of this shit so we can go home.”

_To what_ , Cougar wondered. What more was there in the US than they already had right here in Bolivia? No matter what they did, the army wouldn’t exonerate them and reinstate them to its ranks. They were dead men, living ghosts. There wasn’t a normal life waiting for any of them, even on US soil.

But he nodded and said, “Yeah, we’ll go home. You’ll see your sister again.”

Jensen bobbed his head in enthusiastic agreement. “God, I hope so. She must be going out of her mind, I doubt the army’s telling her much of what supposedly happened to us. She’ll kick our asses for making her worry.”

Cougar didn’t know how to respond to that, so awkwardly stood for a minute, shifting from one foot to another. “Wanna drink?” he said eventually. This definitely qualified as an emergency.

“Oh God, yes,” Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose. Cougar absolutely did not find that endearing.

Reaching under the bed, Cougar dragged the bottle free. “Here,” he handed it to Jensen. “Guests first.”

Jensen gulped the rum down like it was water, then coughed slightly. “Crap, that’s not bad.”

“Yep.” Cougar tilted the bottle and appreciated the burn of the alcohol as it ran down his throat. He passed the booze back to Jensen and stared at the cracked paint on the ceiling.

“Didn’t mean to leave you on your own. Sorry. Everything just got...mierda, I don’t know. All messed up.” The words were coming slightly easier but every one was still an effort. But for Jensen, maybe it was worth a little extra work.

“I know,” Jensen sank back down onto the bed.

After a moment, Cougar sat beside him. Well, they weren’t in the army anymore, were they? Surely nobody would care if he carried a torch for the younger man.

“Don’t go leaving me again,” Jensen bumped shoulders with Cougar and grinned. “What would I do without my stoic sniper?”

Cougar felt heat rush to his cheeks and took a drink to hide it. At this rate he’d tackle Jensen and just kiss him. But he didn’t move. Maybe this was enough for now. Perhaps later, when they managed to somehow not be as broken as they were right at this moment, maybe Cougar could dare to hope Jensen might feel the same way he did.

_And what way is that, exactly?_ a snide little voice in Cougar’s head asked. Fuck it, he didn’t know. The longest relationship he’d had in his life had been a year and he’d been overseas for most of it. He wasn’t good at being with other people.

“Hey,” Jensen’s shoulder bumped his again. “You’ve gone quiet. Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” Cougar replied quickly. “Just thinking.”

“I’ve given that up,” Jensen sighed, drinking some more rum. “Hurts too much.”

Cougar nodded slowly, that was very true.

“We’re buddies, right, Cougs?” Jensen asked. He was looking down at the bottle in his hand, studying the label with exaggerated interest.

“Right,” Cougar said, his throat dry.

“Even if everyone else fucks off and leaves us, we’ll look after each other, won’t we? That’s what buddies do, isn’t it?”

Cougar screwed up what was left of his courage and looked into Jensen’s face. There was naked fear in his eyes, warring with desperate hope. He looked about eleven. Cougar almost swayed forward to kiss him but stayed where he was by sheer force of will.

“Si.” He plucked the rum from Jensen’s hand and took a long swallow. “Buddies. We’ll look out for each other.”

“And we’ll both get home.” Jensen’s voice dropped to a more determined tone.

Cougar couldn’t quite bring himself to answer that one. To be honest, he couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, certainly not a light which involved the Stars and Stripes.

Jensen laughed softly, mirthlessly. “Humor me, dude.”

The smile on Cougar’s face felt wrong, wooden, out of place, but he forced it there and made it stay.  
  
“Whatever we end up doing, we’ll do it together.” Jensen nodded as though that was the end of the conversation. “BFFs, you an’ me. The Dynamic Duo. The Terrible Twosome. Abbot and Costello. Martin and Lewis. Hansel and Gretel.”

Cougar frowned. Jensen grinned.

“Okay, maybe not the last one, although you’d make a pretty hot girl.” Jensen’s cheeks turned pinker. “Sorry, shouldn’t have said that, that stuff must be stronger than I thought.” He gave the rum bottle a disapproving glance.

_Just get him drunk and fuck him_ , Cougar’s inner voice said. He firmly ignored it.

“So what do we do now?” he asked instead.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m beat.” Jensen collapsed back onto Cougar’s bed. “Always tired these days, don’t know why.”

_Stress, that’s why._ Cougar wondered whether lying down next to Jensen would be crossing the unofficial ‘buddy’ line.

“You want more to drink?” he asked, trying to find a neutral subject.

Jensen shook his head, his eyes already closed. “Jus’ gonna lie here for a while.”

Cougar shifted closer to the edge of the bed. Should he stand up and give Jensen some space? Before he could decide what to do, Jensen grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him down onto the covers.

“Stop trying to think of every possible eventuality and get some fucking sleep. You look like I feel.” Jensen didn’t open his eyes.

It was nice next to Jensen, too nice. Cougar knew he should walk away. If he had this now, he’d want more tomorrow. But he wasn’t quite strong enough to roll off the bed, so he stayed. Jensen didn’t touch him, didn’t inch closer, didn’t even look at him. But Cougar suddenly felt more peaceful than he had since they’d heard Max’s voice on the radio. He breathed out a long sigh and closed his eyes.

“T’morrow we need to see about gettin’ jobs,” Jensen muttered. “I’m nearly out of cash. I hear the doll factory at the other end of town’s hiring.”

“Okay,” Cougar replied. For Jensen, he’d make dolls. For Jensen, he’d talk. For Jensen, he’d be the best buddy a man could ever wish for. And maybe if Jensen was willing, he’d be the most loyal lover, too.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
